From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 5.1)

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5+ parts into this introspective and, admittedly, too self absorbed series, you the reader could well assume this combination of confessional and apologia should be subtitled “Rants From a Shoe-gazer“. Sorry to disappoint, but if Hunter be a shoe-gazer he sucks at his #1 job.

Far from enjoying some “this is the real me” melancholia with the likes of M83, the Verve, or My Bloody Valentine, for the most part yours truly has learned from his pissing match that he hasn’t known shit about himself for quite some time. Its only during truces in the battle that glints of Truth or insight emerge. These are generally accompanied with growls from Metallica, gripes from Raging at some unidentifiable Machine, and whining along with Green Day rather than sweet coos from, say, Hootie and the Blowfish.

As poor souls unfortunate enough to be within blowback distance could tell you, my standard response when someone dares (that is, has had the courage) to reveal unspoken, yet obvious Truths about me has up until now been “I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about”.

Sad thing is this response was and is not defensive. With genuine bewilderment I meant exactly what I had said.

The simple truth is that until this latest truce I truly believed I understood myself. I had truly seen myself as a nice, but put upon guy. That changed when old, smoky scenes were revisited. My view was altered when all my youthful resentments – and the promises to which those scenes were tied – reemerged.

Love and Truth found one another – finally – when Reality and Fantasy collided. In rediscovering the nature of the events which went on in a smoke filled room during the weeks and months when my college career ended and I (unbeknownst to myself) began my transformation into an asshole, I’ve come to grips with childish promises made and kept. I’ve revisited adult promises broken and secret promises left unaddressed. I understand now that the rage within was neither useless nor without quite a bit of collateral damage left in the wake of that rage.

“Asshole” was and is, however, necessary if Hunter is to eventually find his way back to nice guy who was clubbed into submission. “Nice Guy” was not subdued, as I once thought, by impossible to understand others ; those scratches in a well loved LP which resembled so much auditory Trolling. He was instead clubbed into submission by my confused zeal to understand all those big questions which haunted my youth and informed my college years; by questions I’d failed to find answers for.

Earlier this month the third truce in this decade+ old pissing match ended with a belly full of pills.

After many years of battle, and following a card game in a seemingly mundane and smoky kitchen, fifteen years ago I ended a second truce, neckties knotted tightly and tied to rafters.

Thanks to confusion, misplaced Love, and a sincere quest for Truth, my first truce in a pissing match with Self and with God ended with a promise made in haste amid the carnage of a party that suffuses my memories with images of death.

All that remains from these broken truces is anger.

Still angry…and now understanding that the anger and the asshole it created is and was necessary…it’s time for war.

God, Hunter’s got a beef with you, and has had one for a long fucking time.

Are you finally ready to hear him, God? Hunter has kept his promise. It’s long past time that you keep yours. Truce over.

To die for: suicide and survival

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 5.1)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 2)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 3)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 4)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 5)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 5.1)

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{image courtesy of Buzzfeed & Google Images}

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