From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 4)

Asshole 7"

Asshole 7″ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I said in the prequel to this series , I haven’t always been an asshole. In fact, as I talked about in Part Two I used to be what folks call “a nice guy”. People change, and not always for the better.

In Part Two I blamed God – or at the least my early love for Him – for this change. That’s not entirely the truth, though. Sure my journey from nice guy to asshole began with a zeal for Truth and love for God, but it’s beginning steps, as I said in Part 3 were taken as the result of a promise, a card game, and a smoke.

Back in the stone age that was the early to mid 90s yours truly was on top of the world and at the top of his game. Enjoying his twenties with purpose Hunter smoked up, danced, dated, and breezed through college with a prosperous future on his mind, a bong in hands, and a song in his heart. This all came to a crashing halt when Love found him, Fantasies ran headlong into reality (as they always must), and Hunter discovered that his preconceptions were no match for the affectionate yet cold arms of Truth.

At this point you may be asking “what do partying and dating life – not to mention college – have to do with love of God?” – Plenty, when you have grown up thinking of yourself as ‘special’ – as a nice guy hoping to offer (and to do) good and beautiful things. Long before he entered college Hunter believed that he’d already found what he needed and wanted to know.

Before he sought higher Truths in a smoke, pursuit of an abiding love, and from his textbooks, Hunter experienced what he felt as Communion with the Universe.

Hunter knew a deep and highly personal connection with God.

As a kid, and on through my teen years , I planned to serve God and bring to others the Truth of God’s love.

True it is that most people would think the party life and a life lived for God aren’t exactly compatible, but this isn’t the point of these ramblings about my pissing match. Not exactly.

As discussed in Part Two I’d already begun turning away from Him, though this fork in the road wasn’t my digression into asshole either. College and my fun little life merely reminded me of an early, early promise I’d made to Him to serve. My fun little life led to other promises – promises I’d later find were directly linked to a kid’s dream of service to the God of his youth and to my forays into assholeness.

These promises – promises made in haste over card-games in smoky rooms – were an oath to Truth and Love. They were the moments when asshole began his climb out of Hunter’s psyche to club nice guy into near submission.

To die for: suicide and survival

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 2)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 3)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 4)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 5)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 5.1)

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