From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 3)

Am sitting in the living room, allowing a crapass cable t.v. music station (90s) to bathe me in what have thus far been not-quite-B-sides (do I really need to give a rat’s ass about Alanis Morissette’s Hand In My Pocket or about, good God,…friggin’ Hanson?).

I’m taking inventory of my early to mid twenties for the sake of this series.

The music of the period and the life events for which the music was (and still remains) a penetrating soundtrack, they haunt me. Tom Petty is Freefalling and so am I. Blind Melon complains that there’s No Rain and I too long for a cleansing, purifying rain.

I’m Freefalling into memories of a Love which betrays and which was betrayed; freefalling into the emotions which flipped Truth on its head and bit me in the ass, transforming me from ‘nice guy’ into an asshole.

Memories of youth and the music which infuses them call from me all of the anger and guilt I carry in this not-yet-finished pissing match with God.

This battle against myself and my gripes against God didn’t begin with anger. Do they ever?

The anger and guilt started with a party and a promise. Though the battle was precipitated by Love and a quest to learn Truth, the main volleys started, if you can believe it, with a friggin’ card game and a smoke.

There have been three truce’s since this ridiculous pissing contest began. Two of these ended with me trying to end my life.

To die for: suicide and survival

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 2)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 3)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 4)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 5)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 5.1)