From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God

Anger (Photo credit: ZORIN DENU)

In the recent post “To Die For…” yours truly waxes less than eloquently about his suicidal (literal – twice) love affair with anger and guilt, going so far as to tell the reader “I’m fucking pissed at myself and pissed at God”. Little has changed since that difficult disclosure.

Not much has or likely will occur that could immediately change the fundamentals. I’m still pissed off. I continue to feel

the weight of the pain and powerlessness sitting on my shoulders and digging at my spirit like a cosmic fucking jack hammer. At some point between nice guy and asshole I had a personality transplant while I quietly, silently, and patiently seethed at the universe and at myself.

This series will address the hope (and the fears) which moves me to action and the insights which I’ve come to believe are valuable enough to share with you the reader.

Hoping you’ll gain from my pissing match with the Almighty and this ugly war within myself.

Why, dear reader, should anyone else care, including you?

You should care only if you’ve found yourself so angry about the more shitty parts of life that you’ve been tempted to say ‘fuck y’all, ya don’t mean shit’.

If you’ve ever suffered and were tempted to believe the future is a bleak train barreling through the past, moving head on into your present – that today’s difficulties threatened to derail your desires – you may find some small bit of the things I’ve learned from this war useful.

If for just a few hours or days you’ve viewed Life as a series of moments unconnected to the past or to the present – as an ever-present now , this series and the insights it shares is a song written to you. It’s not my song, mind you. I had little to do with composing the tune. That credit belongs Elsewhere.

I’m just singing along to the tune that’s been loaded into my less than competent queue.

Anger is a funny thing. It moves and mauls, it cleanses and it coerces; anger destroys and it develops.

When its roots are understood Anger, though nearly useless for bringing light into the dark, can clear the obstacles found in those very dark tunnels. Well understood and well deployed anger dissolves into action, which can inspire hope. Hope shines a light in the darkness, exposing to ones eyes the pitfalls as well as the end of the tunnel.

Hope you’ll walk with me while I step through the darkness. There’s a light down this tunnel, I’m sure of it. I suspect you know the way. Walk with me. The music will keep us company.

To die for: suicide and survival

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 2)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 3)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 4)

From ‘nice guy’ to ‘asshole’ and(hopefully) back again: a pissing match with God (Part 5)

 

 

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