This series takes a detour from Sniperhunter2012’s usual writing style.
Frequent visitors will observe that your correspondent attempts (as much as is possible) to write in the third person. I do this primarily to convey objectivity. This habit began because prior to launching Sniperhunter2012 I worked with a well known news, commentary, and lifestyle site whose editorial requirements demanded an objective, third person narrative.
This series cannot be written that way. The theme and subject are far too personal.
fair warning to readers: some may find the subject of this series upsetting or disturbing.
Last week I survived my second suicide attempt. Fifteen years ago I failed to die by hanging. Last week a bottle of prescription pills (not mine) was unsuccessful in taking me out. I’m not telling you to gain sympathy, for attention, or to be dramatic for drama’s sake.
As always I write for my own pleasure and insight. I do hope, however, that my comments on these failed attempts to end my life will grab the attention of folks who might, in some small way, benefit or learn from my difficulties. Perhaps they may gain something from my repeated failures. Maybe my anger is useful after all.
I’m fucking pissed at myself and pissed at God, you see.
Perhaps my anger and this tirade will find folks a hell of a lot more open to possibility than I was when I downed those pills and wrapped those ties around my neck.
As I said, I’m pissed. Pissed at God and pissed at myself. I’m pissed at people in my life I thought I understood and pissed at people I’ll never know.
I’m pissed at Dr. Phil, Monday Night Football, and Subway sandwiches. I’m pissed at cute bunnies, political phoniness, and though we’ve never met I’m probably pissed offed as-all-hell at you too, dear reader.
Don’t take it personally. It likely has not escaped your notice that I’m a bit crazed in all my pissed-off-ness.
Let’s start at the beginning, because I wasn’t always pissed.
There was once a time this body held a person you’d call a ‘nice guy’. This might sound like self-backpatting, but its not. I heard it all the time. Is part of the reason I’ve become so pissed off.
You know that quiet bookish dude who lives down the street or sits at the desk next to you, that guy you can easily talk to and not have to think twice about three hours after you’ve unloaded your pain or troubles? Hey, it’s me (well, it was). Great to see you again, whatcha been up to? Remember the bro you liked to hang with on the weekend cus you never had to entertain him; you know, that funny someone you loved to dance with who was content to entertain himself – the one you couldn’t quite bring yourself to entertain the notion of dating but never failed to recommend to friends? Yup, that was me.
The smiling, pleasant ‘nice guy’ you knew had a personality transplant along the way.
Today not many would call me pleasant. You wouldn’t want to hang with me these days. Not if you don’t want to spend all day griping to friends about ‘that asshole I made the mistake of bothering with’.
Today, finally, I’m not a ‘nice guy’. Haven’t been for a while.
After years of silent rage, today I’m an asshole. Comedian Dennis Leary even wrote a song about me….and fuck him.
I’m pissed. I’ve been pissed for a very, very long time. Pissed off, hurt, and feeling powerless. Have felt the weight of the pain and powerlessness sitting on my shoulders and digging at my spirit like a cosmic fucking jack hammer. At some point between nice guy and asshole I had a personality transplant while I quietly, silently, and patiently seethed at the universe and at myself.
I’m not a nice guy now.
It’s God’s and my own fault.
I’m terrified too. No big surprise there.
Can’t rage on for this long (and piss off those around you in the process) without becoming afraid of the consequences. I may be angry but I’m certainly not stupid.
I think I’ve found, in this fear, a bit of insight. It’s these insights I want to share with you. I hope you’ll find my rant useful. My pissing match with the universe ought to serve someone.
- What I’ve Done (theonetruejakeryan.wordpress.com)
- You pissed me off, it’s your fault! (rileyhaas.wordpress.com)
- Francis is Back, and He is Pissed at the Wii U [Video] (kotaku.com)